No Matter How Fat I Get I Won’t Drink Lite Beer

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Lite Beer. Okay. I am basically a thin fellow. But it’s New Years and I realize I could stand to lose a few pounds. That’s because we are programed to be dis-satisfied with ourselves this time of year. Even we skinny folk aren’t immune to this sort of thinking. Besides, I honestly could stand to lose a few pounds. So that means it’s time for New Year’s Resolutions, right?

Well, I only have one New Year’s Resolution this year and it’s this: No matter how fat I get I won’t drink lite beer.

No matter how fat I get I won’t drink lite beer.

And I am not talking brand here. I mean any lite beer– ever. It’s gonna be tough. Our society is set up for easy (read lazy) short cuts when it comes to diets. Just cut carbs! Don’t eat meat! Read this book! Buy that product! Now I realize there are perfectly legit reasons to cut carbs, forgo meat, read books and buy products. But doing any of these things solely to lose weight is pathetic. I know that’s harsh… but too many people think there is some magic bullet that will make them skinny (read happy) without having to do any hard work.

It’s like the foods that are deemed “fat free”. They are just as evil as lite beer. I am far more afraid of chemically-altered processed foods than I am of any of the fats that God gave us. Because whenever I see “fat free” printed in big bold chemical ink on my food I have to wonder what they replaced the fat with, and how the hell they got it out. Oh, and particularly– where in God’s name did they put it? But that’s a digression. I’m here to rant about lite beer.

no lite beersStarting with the commercials. Lite beer ads spend every second trying to prove that hipsters love lite beer. Cool dudes. Hot chicks. Famous athletes. These commercials are about lifestyle (read wannabe). Whereas ads about “real” beer focus on taste, tradition and quality. Ads that try to prove that lite beer is cool only fool stupid people. Well, stupid people and people who don’t really like beer (read stupid people).

The main selling point, as far as I can decipher, is that lite beer has fewer calories and less alcohol. Therefore it’s more healthy (read sexy). But really, drinking ten beers instead of two, doesn’t make you healthy (or sexy)– it makes you are drunk.

Well without naming any names, have you noticed that it’s primarily the “Big Three” that even make lite beer for the U.S. market? Which says to me that lite beer is a crappy alternative to an already crappy beer. Which is why Guinness Light flopped in 1979. People who know Guinness, know Guinness Lite Beer is no Guinness.

Beer may be an alcoholic beverage. But people who love beer don’t drink it to get drunk. And they don’t drink it to get skinny. Lite beer is for people who want to get drunk and skinny (at the same time). My advice to those people is to skip beer entirely (insert smiley face here)!

Beer is to be savored. Whether it’s deep and chocolatey, bright and bitter, or even light (not lite) and citrusy. There’s a beer for every palate and every occasion. The right beer hits the spot in a way no other beverage I know can. Not even good wine. Not even a milkshake.

Because good beer (like that milkshake I mentioned) should be as close to perfect as possible. Otherwise. Why bother? I mean if you have a craving for a milkshake, you want a milkshake. You don’t want a milk-like product that substitutes water for milk or tofu for ice cream. That would be an atrocity. That would make you exceptionally pathetic (ouch, another harsh word).

So listen to me, you go ahead and order that milkshake, and order it with a cherry on top too. That way you won’t need more than one (maybe two). The same goes for beer (read real beer). GREG

This was originally written as part of my Friday posts for the blog The Back Burner at Key Ingredient. I hope you are reading all the passionate cooks and writers who post there.

No matter how fat I get I won’t drink lite beer.

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