My dining room table comfortably seats ten. This Thanksgiving, I’m setting it for two. One at each end. This may sound like a meal shared by strangers, but I assure you it’s not. In this time of COVID, it’s easy to let the holiday feel foreign. Like something to be endured rather than embraced. Like feeling all grown-up and maybe a little too alone. But I see it differently. No matter how small or how alien our celebrations may seem, look at them as an evolution – no matter how limited – with lessons of their own and not so different than past Thanksgivings that shuffle through our consciousness.
There comes a time in life when you finally see the Thanksgivings of your youth for what they really were. Sure, we Americans were taught some dubious tales about the Pilgrims and the Mayflower. We knew we were supposed to bow our heads and be thankful. Kids pick up these things easily. Like multiplication tables and home phone numbers – kids learn to be thankful at Thanksgiving by rote. Which makes for adorable memories and proud parents, but it takes some living to be truly thankful.
I can still see my mother beaming when I proclaimed to the entire table that I was thankful for a mommy and daddy who loved me. Such an easy answer. One I planned knowing I would be asked. I’m sure I meant what I said, but I didn’t really understand it. After all, I never knew any other life than the privileged life of a child whose mommy and daddy quietly loved him.
Of course, as we grow older things change. My family moved from Michigan to Florida. Thanksgiving still marked a change in the season (hot and sticky October to warm and sticky November). But I wasn’t complaining, the teenager in me had spent enough time in Michigan to indeed be thankful for the Florida sunshine.
The weather may have been balmier but otherwise, the Thanksgivings of my teen years remained much as they always had. While I was less likely to let my parents know I was thankful for a mommy and daddy who loved me, I did begin to understand that it was possible to be truly thankful for my life.
Being truly thankful for your life is always the first step towards autonomy. I’m not a parent, but I see the signs everywhere. Teenagers begin to emotionally depart long before SAT tests. A teenager’s Thanksgiving becomes a celebration that must be endured for the sake of one’s parents. At that age, anything that has to be endured is not something to be particularly thankful for.
Once kids really do move out of the house (in my case to go to college) Thanksgiving becomes a reminder of just how separate from our parents or guardians we really are. Thanksgiving becomes complicated. At that age, my holidays were a maze of scheduling tasks. Could my mom’s stuffing (with crunchy water chestnuts) really be worth the tedious rideshare with a girl I went to high school with but barely knew? Certainly, my parents understood how thankful I was for a mother and father who loved me. Did it really require letting them watch me eat cranberries to prove it? These were the years Thanksgiving began to feel like a chore.
By the time I moved to California in the early 1980s Thanksgiving had basically lost all its meaning for me. These were the very first years of truly being on my own. I’m not saying I didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, in fact, Thanksgiving was the perfect time to play at being a grown-up. Or maybe I should say practice being a grown-up. In either case, these were the years I began to covet a real dining room table but settled for matching plates from Pier 1. There was absolutely no thought of returning to my parent’s house for the holiday. They didn’t ask and I didn’t volunteer. Crises averted, right?
Which isn’t to say I didn’t need my mother at Thanksgiving. In fact, it took several cross-country phone calls to get the recipe for my mom’s stuffing (with crunchy water chestnuts) just right. She seemed happy to share the recipe and even took it in stride when I told her how I’d improved on her cranberries with the addition of pineapple marmalade. I swear I could hear her rolling her eyes across the phone line.
Well, as the years go by I’ve learned a few more things about this holiday. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the family I was born with or the family that I made along my journey. At the top of my thankful list is the joy I feel from the people who love me. Even if they’re not sitting at my table.
Actually, that’s the first lesson I learned by rote all those years ago. It’s just taken me a while to see exactly what that means. And that, I suppose, is the real lesson in this holiday. Even now. Especially now. GREG
PS There’s no Thanksgiving recipe to share today. Call someone in your own family and get the thing you really crave.
Very nicely written. I just stumbled onto your blog as I was educating myself on pastis, which I have enjoyed in Provence but wanted to know more. I’ll check in regularly! Thanks.
Beautiful and well-written post!
What a beautiful essay, Greg. As you often do, you have taken me on a trip through my family history… the pauses on family Thanksgiving visits… the shift from being with my parents (who quietly loved me, but did quite get me) to being with my recently widowed aunt (who more openly loved and accepted me). I am thankful for my life and my opportunities… and for finding friends like you who have a keen understanding of life.
Greg, that was really beautiful. I also had Thanksgiving for two this year, although I cooked food for six for some reason. While shopping beforehand, though, I have to confess that I had a kind of wave of depression hit me, right in the baking aisle. Like, why am I doing this? What’s the point? It’s a hell of a lot of work. We usually spend Thanksgiving alternating years with our family or our chosen family, so I’m never on the hook for more than one or two components of the meal. It wasn’t really that, though … what I really hated was that we wouldn’t be able to be with those people. And the chore of doing the entire meal kind of weighed on that. But I wound up spending a lot of time thinking of my mom and grandmother, who did this year after year, with no help unless aunts showed up. And then the entire operation, from prep to clean up, was entirely up to them while we all loafed around and napped. I don’t think I ever really took the time to express my thanks for that. Your story really drove that home. I could use more time spend in thinking what I have and have had that I should be thankful for.
Nice Blog !!! Thanks For Sharing this Thanks Giving Moments with Us.
Well said. Happy holidays to you and yours ❤️
Happy Thanksgiving Greg. We were just two this year. Sometimes we take the past for granted. Sometimes we don’t appreciate what we have in the present. All I know is that the future is a gift and for that I will be grateful.
“ It doesn’t matter whether it’s the family I was born with or the family that I made along my journey. At the top of my thankful list is the joy I feel from the people who love me. Even if they’re not sitting at my table.”
That is a quote worth living.
Job well done.
Beautiful, Greg. 🙂 ~Valentina
Love this. Hugs to you both.❤
This entire year has been odd, missing Easter celebrations, long weekends, birthdays and anniversaries. Our thanksgivings past usually took place at some other family members place, new home, new baby etc. Because our thanksgiving takes place the first weekend of October, we fortunately had wonderful weather and were able to enjoy it al fresco under the stars. I doubt Christmas will be so nice. Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving Greg. Wishing you and yours all the best.
Wonderful!
I find my emotions bubbling near the surface 24/7 these days, so of course your post made me cry for Thanksgivings past. You and Ken are part of the family I have made along the way. Not being from the USA, Thanksgiving doesn’t have the same deep roots pull of Christmas for me, even so, I have cherished the years of celebrating it at your (well-decorated) table. This year, it is just another Thursday alone xo
What a touching story Greg, thank you for sharing it. I was not brought up with a Thanksgiving holiday but I came to love to treasure it. There will only be 2 of us on our table this year. I do remember about 20 years back when I made a vegetarian meal for about 20 people.
I am so happy to see a Blog post with a personal, heartfelt, meaningful, well-written story. I miss old school blogging. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Happy Thanksgiving to you
Are you sure you don’t want to share the crunchy water chestnut recipe? I need some inspiration ❤️
Wonderful. And you’re so right.
What a beautifully written piece. You have captured the spirit of Thanksgiving.
Or as the Beatles sang, “And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.” Really good post. Some of my favorite Thanksgivings have been just Mrs KR and myself. We haven’t celebrated alone for over a decade, but will this year. We’re really looking forward to it. Have a terrific Thanksgiving.